“Kiddo, if you threaten me again, I will need to move away from this conversation.”
“Kiddo, if you threaten me again, I will need to move away from this conversation.”
I’ve said this phrase, or something like it, more than once in conversations with my kiddo.
Does she actually intend to harm me?
No, of course not.
But sometimes when she’s frustrated, she’ll say something like:
“If you say that again, I’m going to hit you.”
And it took me a long time to learn that “don’t say that” or “don’t hit me” isn’t a useful response.
Why not?
“Don’t say that” = me giving instructions, telling her what to do.
What frustrated person, of any age, wants to hear someone else tell them what to do? 😉
(Not to mention a frustrated 11-year-old talking to their mother 😂)
Nope. Telling a frustrated person what to do = 0% success rate.
What I can do, like any person, is state my boundaries.
I can talk about what I can control, and how I plan to act.
“If you threaten me again, I will need to move away from this conversation.”
Does this still annoy my kiddo? Of course.
Does she sometimes repeat the violent statement anyway? Of course.
And then I walk away.
And I say, “I am happy to return when you are done speaking violence”.
And here’s the thing - I only learned to set boundaries by being a parent.
I was terrible about it at work before I had a kid. 🤦♀️
But after a few rounds of my kid yelling, “you can’t tell me what to do!” 😂
I realized she was saying out loud the exact thing every adult feels when someone says “don’t say that” or “don’t do that”.
Complete conversation stopper.
So yes, thanks to my kiddo for the useful lesson.
Boundaries ARE NOT about controlling another person.
Boundaries ARE about stating what I will (and will not) do in response.
And whew!
It feels good to focus on what I can control instead of trying to control another person. 😅
But let’s be honest.
Still practicing. Every day. 😁
Your turn - when did you learn about boundaries?
Definitely took me more than half my lifetime to start figuring this one out.